The Only Pain Management Technique You’ll Ever Need As You Age!

You know, aging is a thing. And don't you stop reading this article just because you think you're all young and stuff. Yesterday you were younger than you are today. And tomorrow you will be older. Dare I even say, you'll be more creaky and shrivelly than you are right at this moment. You, too, shall suffer the ravages of years upon your person. So listen up. This is important.

Age. Happens. The first time you stand up after having sat on the ground with your legs crossed, and you cannot do it without making some sort of involuntary vocal noise, you will know you are heading down the path to Old-Fart-hood (and I could write an entire post on that phenomenon.) Would you like to take a moment to find out if that's you?

Sit down. Now just hang out for a bit. Maybe hit up "Once Upon a Time" or "Psyche" on Netflix. Make a sandwich. Drink some Mylanta. There. You done? Good. Now stand.

Hah! See? I heard that! You "ooofed." 

Did too.

Neener. Now you're like the rest of us.

The thing is, the reason we "oof" like that when we move, and as the years progress actually experience temporary paralysis — you know, where you get up from your funky cross-legged, hunched-over, lean-to-the-left position on the couch and have to spend the rest of the day with your knee up near your armpit — is because our bodies realize that life is really a lot more relaxed than we used to think it was. Nothing matters as much or is as critical as our young fearful brains used to tell us. So why put out all that extra effort to stay loose and limber and ready to spring into action when truly, there ain't gonna be no action into which to spring? (You will notice that as I've aged I've also learned better grammar with which to speak with.)

So really, as you gradually move into your faded twilight years, all you have to worry about is getting up slowly. That's it. And also the pain. But hey! I have  a technique to deal with that too! When you are in pain — the deep annoying inexplicable type of pain that sort of randomly happens as you go about your wrinkly day — just take a moment and focus on a pain-free part of your body. Something far from the discomfort. Express gratitude for it. Breathe in. Breathe out. Feel the lightness and peace in that part of you. Let that No-Pain-Ness fill your body. Fill your soul. Then pick up a hammer and slam the shortcake out of that pain-free body part.

I guarantee you, what used to hurt will seem like nothing now.

You're welcome.

Don't get up.


About Janiel 433 Articles
I have managed to keep the same husband for nearly three decades, and the same four children for almost that long - although one or two of them say it has been much longer. I have been writing since I learned to hold a pencil, and trying to make people laugh even longer. I hope to do some good in the world before I go the way of it. And if not, I'd better at least get to visit Ireland.


  1. Dude. I feel exactly the same way. The first thing I do in the morning is test all my joints and some of them CLICK now. What’s that all about?

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