Do you remember your first time out on the Internet? How sweet and innocent it was? Well, time has passed and it seems like what once used to be a nice friendly lark in the park of knowledge and socialization has become a furtive scurry through alleys crawling with in-my-face marketing, and shrieks about my happiness. So I installed Adblocker on my computer in order to blast all that annoying sludge from before my eyeballs. And it worked. Huzzah! But guess what? Now that stuff has started ripping through my Facebook feed. And into my Pinterest stream. And in my search results. It’s like those scenes in horror movies where the victim has managed to get away from the killer tomatoes and has herself locked in a very solid looking room, and we’re given a chance to relax and think the worst is over, when all of a sudden . . . dun! dun! duunnnn! Pasta sauce begins oozing beneath the door . . . .
Sigh. What’s a sentient being to do? I mean, do they think we don’t see what they did there? Do they think we are all April-fools?! (See how cleverly I worked my title in to my text? Shazayum! I should write ad copy) WAIT! THAT’S IT! That is how I shall fight the travesty that is Internet advertising! Rewrite the copy for all the silly ads that insist on plastering themselves to my screen. Like this (and these are from real ads on my real feeds):
How to prevent — and Even Erase! — Stretch Marks!
- Janiel’s Home Airbrushing Kit! Yours for 3 easy payments of $99.99! Plus shipping and handling! (Note: Janiel’s Home Airbrushing Kit may cause blindness, depression, insomnia, or halitosis. See a specialist before attempting to airbrush yourself.)
- There’s the whole “Don’t Get Pregnant” thing …
How To Keep Mascara From Running!
- Don’t give it any campaign funding.
- Hahahahahahaha! *sniff*
- Okay, okay. Um. Waterproof?
How to Lose Weight and Still Eat What You Want! (I Mean LOOK at This Picture of Oprah’s Head Photoshopped Onto Beyoncé’s Body! If THAT Doesn’t Convince You, NOTHING Will!)
- Sugar is bad. Fat is bad. Fun is bad. Ergo, cut out all carbs and sugar from your diet! That’s right! Just remove the fruits, milk, butter — anything that comes out of a cow or chicken, really — juice, soda, candy, cereal — because GRAINS ARE FROM SATAN! — meats, farmed fish (because there are no Omega 3′s in those), fresh fish (because there is mercury in those), popcorn, ketchup and water. Do that, and baby, you will LOSE, LOSE, LOSE!
- AND! Here’s the best part! We don’t want you to deprive yourself! Deprivation is bad! You can still have the snacks you love! Every! Single! One! As long as you time it with the lunar calendar and make sure your snacks are made with wheat that grew at a 45 degree angle from a northern sun in the eastern hemisphere.
- All right. Make it easy on yourself. Buy Janiel’s Awesome-y Pre-Packaged Happy-Time Weight Loss Meals! We make it easy for you! Just give us your credit card number and we’ll drop food on your doorstep every day for the rest of your life. And hey! You can call us to cancel if you don’t like it. Just don’t call Mondays through Fridays. Or on weekends.
How To Look Younger in 26 Steps!
- Honey, if it takes that many steps, it’s too late.
How To Manage Facial Hair
- Again, if you have to hire an FHM (Facial Hair Manager), then, it’s too late.
- On the other hand, you can always cornrow it.
How a 45-Year-Old Mother of 3 Sets of Triplets Lost 175 Pounds, Had Massive Liposuction and Skin Removal Procedures, Received Silicon Ab Implants, a Butt Lift, and Full-bodied Skin Resurfacing with a Top-Coat of Putty, And Now Looks Like the 18-Year-Old in This Picture! Ripped Like a Pair of Destroyed Jeans, Baby! — All Using Products You Have in Your Home!
- I just told you how. Up there ↑. Can’t you read? Jeesh. Fine. Buy Janiel’s Home Plastic Surgery Kit, for 3 Easy Payments of $999.99.
So. Shout-out to one of my smart friends: Someone please, please, write an ap that blocks ALL marketing from showing up on our home computers.
Except ads for my blogposts. Which You Can Read From the Comfort of Your Cubicle! For the Eensy Fee of $99.99. Come on. Everybody’s doing it. Whatsamatter, are ya chicken? It’ll change
my your life!