Universal Valentine’s Letter–It Slices! It Dices!

Men: Are you tired of not knowing what to get your chickie-babe for Valentine's day? At a loss for words to express your innermost feelings? Wondering if you have innermost feelings? Well, here at Janiel Miller.com, we have the solution for you. Yes, it's the Universal Valentine's Letter. Just circle the appropriate words, cut along the dotted line, and romance will be yours for life. Price? Psh. We don't need to discuss that now. No price is too high for the happiness of your little googly-moogly.
 
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My Dearest [Puppyknees] [Angeldimples] [Prenup Signatory],

How do I love thee? Let me count [the ways] [your stretch marks] [the money left in my retirement account].  Shall I compare thee to [a summer's day] [Beyoncé] [pepper spray]? O, my love is like a red red [rose] [nose] [angry lobster]. Come live with me and be my [love] [little poopsie woopsie] [accused]. Escape me? Never, beloved. While I am I and you are [you] [tied to the front porch] [in rehab]. Come to me in my dreams, and then by day I shall be [well again] [well rid of you] [considered incompetent to stand trial]. She walks in beauty, like the [night] [giant Stay-Puff Marshmallow Man] [totally plastic-surgeried-freak she is]. Those lips that [love's] [scented Magic Marker's] [Dr. Damian's] own hand did make–What are all these kissings worth if thou kiss not [me?] [my feet?] [up?] I carry your heart with me! carry it in [my heart] [my wallet] [a ziplock bag under the toolbox in the shed]. When forty winters shall besiege thy brow, and dig deep trenches in thy beauties field [I'm outta here].

With my eternal [love] [curiosity] [regret],

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(Your Name Here)

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About Janiel 432 Articles
I have managed to keep the same husband for nearly three decades, and the same four children for almost that long - although one or two of them say it has been much longer. I have been writing since I learned to hold a pencil, and trying to make people laugh even longer. I hope to do some good in the world before I go the way of it. And if not, I'd better at least get to visit Ireland.

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