This is what I would look like if I were an on-the-spot reporter doing a piece on local food in Dublin. See? I've got my best Correspondent face on. Don't I look sincere? Coincidentally I was eating local food in Dublin at the time this picture was taken.

I don't do news.

Too depressing.

I mean, earthquake in Mexico, earthquake in Chile, North Korea and Iraq getting all Nuke-y, people shooting people, and anything out of a politician's mouth. Bleh. Not to mention, a university in New York is canceling all class cancelations for religious holidays so no one is treated unfairly. Except Christmas. Because it's union, or something. I didn't really understand that part. But I'm sure leaving Christmas out of the moratorium has nothing to do with getting presents and days off of work. Probably has to do with fairness. And saving Jewish mothers from getting carpal tunnel making challah. 

Why do I need to hear about all this stuff? It's not like I can do anything about it. I'm not Superman. I can't fly around the world backwards, change history and reverse bad news. Actually, neither could the Superdude, if you had half a brain when you watched the original movie. But it made for great suspension of disbelief and a pretty good scene of Christopher Reeve looking all handsomely relieved when Lois wasn't dead.

Where was I?

Right. News. Who needs it? I just make up my own. Viz:

PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES AGREE TO DISAGREE. GET TOGETHER FOR CUCUMBER SANDWICHES ON THE EAST LAWN.

KIM KARDASHIAN WAS JUST KIDDING. SHE'S STILL MARRIED. CONGRATULATORY FLOUR BOUQUETS CAN BE SENT TO HER RED CARPET EVENTS. (Don't ask what I mean by "flour bouquets." I don't read the news. *cough*google it*cough*)

GAS PRICES DROP TO ALL TIME LOW AS HOTDOG-FUELED CARS SELL BY THE BUN-LOAD. IRAN BECOMES BFF'S WITH U.S. — EXPRESSES INTEREST IN BASEBALL, APPLE PIE, AND PLATFORM SHOES. IRANIAN WOMEN LIKE THEM TOO.

CAR RECALLS SPIKE IN U.S. OVER CONCERNS ABOUT MUSTARD-CLOGGED FUEL LINES.

AL GORE TO APPEAR ON DANCING WITH THE STARS. UNLESS GLOBAL WARMING MELTS THEM OUT OF THE HEAVENS FIRST.

JAMES CAMERON MAKES FIRST EVER SOLO DIVE INTO DEEPEST TRENCH IN THE OCEAN. FINDS THE GOP CANDIDATE'S MODERATE VIEWS BURIED THERE.

And finally:

STUDIES SHOW CHOCOLATE TO HAVE DIETETIC PROPERTIES. ALSO CURES HEART DISEASE, DEPRESSION, FOOT FUNGUS, ADHD, FIBRO MYALGIA, MAD COW DISEASE, WRITER'S BLOCK, AND HAS A STARTLING MITIGATING EFFECT ON FINANCIAL PROBLEMS. ESPECIALLY AFTER SEVERAL ACCOMPANYING BONGS OF WINE. (I don't drink. Can you bong wine? Is "bong" a verb?)

Yeah. I've totally got my resumé out to all the news shows. Now, it's just the waiting.

JEOPARDY THEME

Share