Well, it must be autumn. There's been an uptick in the emails hitting my junk folder lately. As if, now that summer is over and I'm no longer on vacation, I'll settle down and take the world more seriously. Pay attention to a few concerns. I mean, there are people out there who need my help. People like Dennis of Nigeria, who believes that I have shown the promise of brilliant management skills in the company I seem to own (you know, “Momma Miller’s Speedy Weed n’ Feed) and wants me to invest in his. Which, if I understood the Google-translated English correctly, deals in oil. I'll receive a one-dollar commission if I help out. WOW! I'm assuming that's a dollar per barrel of oil sold, not just a dollar. The man says he needs people like me who can increase his sales. And he'll reward me. Plus he assures me that it's a legitimate business. In all-caps.
Or Chun Wei, whose concern for me is so urgent that she didn't even have time to write more than one sentence demanding that I click on the link and get in touch with her immediately. Oh Em Gee! Whatever is it? Could my two million dollar grant for studying tsetse fly biorhythms have come through? And all I have to do is click on that link and leave a credit card number so they’ll have a place to transfer all the free money from that one really rich village in China? Dudes! This makes total sense!
And then there's Neal Trotter, bless his heart. A philanthropist from the UK who chose ME out of all the people in America, to be a recipient of two million five hundred thousand GPB – part of the seven million he won in the lottery – just because his son Joe died, and Neal wants to make the world a better place. So he figured he'd start with me because I'm so awesome. And famous. You know how I'm so utterly famous that Neal from the UK knows who I am? And how very much I could use two million five hundred thousand GPB – which, by the way, I don't know what that stands for. I mean, I looked it up, and Wikipedia says "GPB" Stands for "British Pound Sterling." Um. Gosh, I hate to be a rude little famous person, but I noticed that "British Pound Sterling" starts with BPS, not GPB. Soooo. Maybe this is . . . a joke? Or something? Unless GPB is pronounced "Gritish Pound Berling" and I just never knew it.
Wow. I guess maybe I don't know very much after all. I am sort of ignorant. Maybe all of these good people aren't spammers at all. Maybe they really are concerned for my well-being. I mean, Neal is trying to give me some of his hard-won Gritish Berling, after all. And Chun, CHUN! Look at her! She trusts me so much she doesn't even tell me what she wants to get in touch with me for! She just asks me to click and knows I will. That's amazing. Especially in this world! Wow. And then there's Dennis, bless him. Dennis who knows, just from the way I use my Crisco, that I am the perfect person to invest in his Nigerian Oil company. Sight unseen. Credibility unchecked. Existence completely Non.
My friends, I am on it. The world is about to become a better place.
Gosh, I love autumn.