You're going to have to sit a little closer to your screen to read this today. I am writing very quietly. Because from what I've been hearing, the NSA might be listening in on my blog. And while I've got nothing to hide, you hear stories, right? Who knows how something I say here might be twisted around to look all incriminating? I mean it could happen.
I know this because I live with people. And stuff I say gets twisted around all the time. For example:
Me: "I met a guy who wrecked doing BMX and now his shoulder goes out of joint all the time. Like, seventy times so far."
Kid: "You realize you always try to scare me away from doing things I love. 'Ooh! This guy was paralyzed after a mountain biking incident! That guys lives with his shoulder out of joint from a BMX wreck. This other dude was reading a book when his house collapsed on him!'"
Yeah. No exaggeration there at all. Probably. My point is, you can take any normal statement and make it look bad. Women do it all the time. We're genius at it.
Me: "How do these jeans look on me?"
Huz: (Not looking up from book) "Fine." (Freezing in horror after realizing his mistake. Dude's been married twenty-seven years. He ain't stupid.) "I mean, great. They look great. But you always make everything look good." (Smiling to self because not only did he catch that little mistake, he turned it around so he'll probably get some sort of reward later.) (Oh yeah. He will. It will go like this . . . )
Me: "I make everything look good? So in other words, I've gotten boring. Everything is just the same all the time. No more excitement here. Fine. Fine. I won't wear these stupid jeans then."
Yeah. The NSA should totally hire women and teenagers as Surveillance Interpreters. This country would be so safe it wouldn't be able to move.