Secession Confession

I am feeling a patriotic activist fervor these days. One that is stirring me up. One that has driven me to the point of decision. One that has brought me nigh unto the precipice of doing something about it.

All right, that's it! I've had enough! I will!

I am going to secede from the food pyramid!

You heard me. And I'm not the only one whose brain is filled with secessionist thoughts these days. As of this writing, thirty-two of the great states in this great nation have petitioned the White House to secede from our country. Dude. I want a piece of that. Except I don't want all the stress. So I'm starting small. With that about which I disagree the most heartily, but won't get into any trouble over. First and foremost in THAT long line, of course, is the stupid food pyramid.

DOWN WITH THE FOOD PYRAMID! DOWN WITH THE TYRANNY OF OPPRESSION OF APPETITE! DOWN WITH BORING STUFF LIKE BROCCOLI AND BRUSSELS SPROUTS!  (Which by the way, don't look anything like sprouts. I mean seriously? I've eaten sprouts. They're weird little chewy thready things with weird little leaves sticking out. Brussels ain't no sprouts. It's this type of flagrant disregard for proper food names that causes Americans everywhere in my house to rise up and shout NO MORE!)

I mean (*weep*) what has happened  to the safe and comforting old food pyramid I grew up with? The one that was clear, concise, made sense, and had an entire top level dedicated to fats, oils, and sweets. Do you remember? Do you?

*Sigh* Life was lovely then.

Now? It's a mess. Agendas have popped up. Efforts to please every little special interest nutrient have run amock. Crazypants desires to spread the nutrition around and make every food equal has wrought destruction upon our tightly organized, everyone-doing-what-they-do-best food pyramid. I mean look at this, will you?

That ain't no pyramid! That's a slide! And everything has collapsed at the bottom, with no order or structure. It's anarchy, I tell you! Where the heck is the sugar? WHERE? I can't live like this! I am leaving! And we'll all be much better for it!

I mean…


Well. Maybe I'll just petition to have the silly food slide turned back into a food pyramid. And I'll bring my own sugar packets. There's going to be a way to pull this back together, my friends, and make it work. Remember, this is a nation by the tastebuds, for the tastebuds, and of the tastebuds. That, my people, is key.


As you were.

I'm off to eat a dark chocolate dipped orange wafer.


About Janiel 432 Articles
I have managed to keep the same husband for nearly three decades, and the same four children for almost that long - although one or two of them say it has been much longer. I have been writing since I learned to hold a pencil, and trying to make people laugh even longer. I hope to do some good in the world before I go the way of it. And if not, I'd better at least get to visit Ireland.

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