When I Become President of the Universe . . .

— There will be no hormones. None. Zero. Zip. Especially not in teenagers. Or pre-teens. Or post teens. And most especially not in pre-menopausal writer-blogger-moms. My husband is unanimous on this.

— We'll all be married to Colin Firth. And Colin Farrell. And Colin Egglesfield. And Colin Cunningham. All the Colins, really.

Plus Hugh Jackman.

As long as he still fights robots, rides a motorcycle, wears coat tails, and growls everything he says.  Actually, I know nothing about these people, as I am happily married. Never mind.

— Publishers, eBook sellers, and the government will get out of each others' business and play nice. And real books will never go away. Plus bookstore presidents will build lovely new bookstores in every town, and they will all look like Dumbledore's office.

— Politicians will have to live every bill they pass, and if they can't play nicely with each other, they can't play at all. Also they will HAVE to tell the truth ALL the time. And if they screw that up they will pay for everyone to go on a trip to Fiji to get away from them. Out of their own retirement funds.

— Quidditch will become America's National Past Time, and there will, in fact, be a Quidditch World Cup.

— Hollywood actresses will have to weigh more than their diet coke to act in a film, and cellulite will get you into Disneyland.

— Everyone will hold hands and sing Kumbaya every night, and will agree to disagree, finding our differences fascinating and enlightening instead of ugly and terrifying. And there will be milkshakes.

— And finally, gestation will last for two weeks, at which time the baby will osmosis itself out of its mother, throw back an enriched immune-system boosting drink (which will not come from the mother's body, but the mother will gain and retain certain figure-enhancing properties that would occur if such a drink did come from her body), then the baby will thank her for everything she did for him/her/it, graduate from High School and go to college on a full-ride scholarship. The child will next get married and have grandchildren for the mother to cuddle. And also crochet an afghan for her. All of which will happen within the first two weeks of life. Not sure how it's going to work, but you know, details, details.

Yeah. My universe will be awesome. You should totally vote for me.

About Janiel 432 Articles
I have managed to keep the same husband for nearly three decades, and the same four children for almost that long - although one or two of them say it has been much longer. I have been writing since I learned to hold a pencil, and trying to make people laugh even longer. I hope to do some good in the world before I go the way of it. And if not, I'd better at least get to visit Ireland.


    • Honey. How long have you known me? Have you been drinking non-organic Koolaid? I appreciate the vote of confidence, I do. But perhaps we need to sit down next time you’re in town and I can remind you of a few things from our childhood. 🙂

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