I went to the dentist today. Along with a number of age-related procedures and the checkup of a really lame crown that couldn't handle it's mixed nuts, I had my teeth whitened.
I can now be used as a flashlight. A strobe, if I rapidly open and close my mouth. I'm considering volunteering for our local EMT unit. They could strap me to the ambulance roof and I could hit a high C, whilst grinning repeatedly. It would save the city so much money.
You've got to wonder about a dental procedure that makes your teeth glow in the dark. And for which the Dentist asks if you would like a prescription for Lortab.
Lortab? For whiter teeth? Did I just have a baby here and not know it? Did Dr. Dentist remove my spleen, or other superficial organ whose purpose is to fill in my internal gaps? I mean, Lortab?
I hallucinate on that stuff. I saw our dog walk into our bedroom when I was post-opping a few years ago and we don't have a dog. But I did have a pet narcotic firing away at my braincells. And while I couldn't tell you if it was doing anything for the pain, it was a highly effective hallucinogen. I even sneezed because of that dog.
One has to wonder about the price of vanity if it requires Lortab to recover from. This would seem to imply that all of America's Next Top Models and most of Hollywood are on Lortab most of the time, given the whiteness of their incisors (which, frankly, would explain a lot.) Do I want to be like them? I must ask myself: Was it absolutely critical to my self-esteem that I shell out [deleted] bucks just to have whiter teeth?
You bet your blinkin' bicuspid.