Whiter Teeth! My Life, She Is Changed.

I went to the dentist today. Along with a number of age-related procedures and the checkup of a really lame crown that couldn't handle it's mixed nuts, I had my teeth whitened.

I can now be used as a flashlight. A strobe, if I rapidly open and close my mouth. I'm considering volunteering for our local EMT unit. They could strap me to the ambulance roof and I could hit a high C, whilst grinning repeatedly. It would save the city so much money.

You've got to wonder about a dental procedure that makes your teeth glow in the dark. And for which the Dentist asks if you would like a prescription for Lortab.

Lortab? For whiter teeth? Did I just have a baby here and not know it? Did Dr. Dentist remove my spleen, or other superficial organ whose purpose is to fill in my internal gaps? I mean, Lortab?

I hallucinate on that stuff. I saw our dog walk into our bedroom when I was post-opping a few years ago and we don't have a dog. But I did have a pet narcotic firing away at my braincells. And while I couldn't tell you if it was doing anything for the pain, it was a highly effective hallucinogen. I even sneezed because of that dog.

One has to wonder about the price of vanity if it requires Lortab to recover from. This would seem to imply that all of America's Next Top Models and most of Hollywood are on Lortab most of the time, given the whiteness of their incisors (which, frankly, would explain a lot.) Do I want to be like them? I must ask myself: Was it absolutely critical to my self-esteem that I shell out [deleted] bucks just to have whiter teeth?

You bet your blinkin' bicuspid.


About Janiel 433 Articles
I have managed to keep the same husband for nearly three decades, and the same four children for almost that long - although one or two of them say it has been much longer. I have been writing since I learned to hold a pencil, and trying to make people laugh even longer. I hope to do some good in the world before I go the way of it. And if not, I'd better at least get to visit Ireland.


  1. Janiel- I am just amazed at your ability to take a fantastic photo from your computer cam. You must be absolutely drop dead gorgous in person. The pictures my computer camera takes of me resemble an inebriated witch from Wizard of OZ, or Sleeping beauty, (take your pick). Cute post.

  2. Darcee – You are sweet, but it is all about lighting. And distance. Up close I am old. But thanks for the compliment! I don’t believe you look like the Wicked Witch of the West. I’ve seen your pics and you’re lovely. 🙂

  3. Yep, you better believe in my old days I would so hit up this dentist 🙂 Great post and you have a beautiful smile, girl.

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